Irreverent rants, hungover musings, too much salt...

Thursday, June 09, 2005

What not to cook &trade : Aberration Sandwich

Some weeks ago, I awoke with a killer hangover (much like the one I have now) and ventured out to a new supermarket that was built just behind my apartment, obstructing my view of the mountains. The world was far too bright, and bits of it kept slipping around the edges of my sunglasses and poking me in the eye; it was entirely unpleasant.

I staggered in to the supermarket with its weird Korean trance pop playing and picked up a few things. Lettuce, three radishes (they are the first I have seen in Korea and cost 1500 won ... for three!), and some cut of beef that I grabbed because the guy was hassling me--'What can I get you? What do you want? '
'I don't know. Leave me alone.'
'Do you want this? What about this?'
'Oh, fuck it. That will do.'

Anyway, I barely escaped with my life and headed back home to nurture my hangover. The next day while in class, I was dreaming of what I could make with the contents of my fridge. In my head it was an ethereal delight--a melt-in-your-mouth, gastronomical masterpiece. What I made when I got home looked more like what you see below.

Welcome to What Not To Cook episode #11--Aberration Sandwich.


You will need: bread, mayonnaise, garlic, kimchi, lettuce, a limp radish, a piece of steak, capsicum, havarti cheese, salt, pepper, Worcestershire sauce, hot sauce, sesame oil, and a thirst for adventure.


Slice that grisly piece of meat down the middle, and open it up so it is hinged like a purse. Layer with roughly chopped garlic and kimchi. See that doesn't look too bad--surely this will work ...

Step 2

Next stuff some slices of havarti in there and splash on some hot sauce.

Step 3

Close it up, sprinkle both sides with shitloads of pepper and a wee dash of salt. You can use the heel of your hand to push it in there.

Step 4

Chuck that bad boy in a fry pan with some sesame oil. Those of you in the know may have realised I have forgotten a crucial step here ... There is nothing holding our little steak purse together ...

Ignore this fact, and blissfully unaware of the horror you have unleashed, continue on to the next step.

Step 5

Arrange your salad ingredients on some bread like so ...

Step 6

What the fuck is this? Flip the steak, and attempt to make it close up. Realise it is doomed and pull it out of the frypan and onto a chopping board where you attack it with a large knife.

Step 7

Weaker souls would have given up on this by now, but not our brave crusader.

Step 8

Stick it back in the frypan and fry the fuck out of it with some Worcestershire sauce.

Step 9

Considering most of the havarti has liquefied and caked itself to the frypan by now, prudently add some more to your bread. Don't forget the mayonnaise.

Step 10

Sweet mother of god, what aberration is this? What scatological remains of a foul and feculent beast most horrid?

Step 11

Scoop the remains out of the frypan and arrange it neatly on your sandwich, like so.

Top with bread, garnish with something green and something red. Stand back and look out on the panorama of mess you have created. Take a deep breath, grab a carton of orange juice, turn on the Discovery channel, and pray they are not showing anything too disgusting while you eat.

Step 12

This wasn't too bad, except the meat was as tough as a bulldog's ear.