Irreverent rants, hungover musings, too much salt...

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Bite my fucking tongue

Been busy doing shit. You know how it is.

I'm moving to a new blog; those I know are welcome to email me for the new site's address.

Kimchithekid at Gmail dot com

I won't be holding back on the new site. No attempts at political correctness; no pacifying the moronic or inept.

Fuck them all.

I'll be back with a fucking sledge hammer.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around will deprive the people of all property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. The issuing power should be taken from the banks and restored to the people, to whom it properly belongs.

Thomas Jefferson (1802)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Kicken along

Things have been busy lately. In an effort to maintain vagary (blog version 2.0—now does not include personal information), I’ll say this: I have family visiting at the moment and work just gets busier. Lots of fun.

I woke in the middle of the night, yearning for water. I spied what I presumed to be a water glass next to the bed and took a long draft. Draft was the word—it was not water but some nasty concoction of bottom-of-the-bag homebrew and perhaps a moth or two.

In situations such as this, it is actually possible to leap from a supine position to your feet without transitioning through any other positions. Kind of like a flip book with all the middle pages torn out.

I’ll write something of a decent length (restrain yourselves) soon. For the moment, however, back to the coal mine …

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Georgie baby--fuck yeah

George, you were fucking brilliant.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Punless bear-related title

Those of you from outside Australia may not have heard of the Umbilical Brothers. This shouldn't offend anyone ....

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Intercranial ranting

I caught a light sneeze (thanks Tori) and got a pay rise, which is good. I actually had a sick day the other day—you know the kind where you are paid to not go to work? Phenomenal; I can't quite get my head around it.

Speaking of heads—internal dialogue; does anyone else get overwhelmed by this? I walk around the city and there is a constant stream of intercranial ranting:

Stop eating that pie you fat cunt! Nice haircut you emo pansy. Oh, for fuck's sake, don't just stop and talk in the middle of the footpath—move off to the side you tourist bastards. I wonder how long he takes to apply his make-up in the morning. Fuck, I hate Courtney Love. Oh, look, that chick is hot! Shit, so's she! Fuck off, I don't want your flyer—that's why my hands are in my pockets. No, buddy! Don't fucking try and proselytise at me, motherfucker. Don't these people have jobs? How the fuck does that kid afford a new Mercedes? Lucky, rich, daddy's little ... Oh, come on people, it's just a little red light—you can see there's nothing coming. Wow, that skirt must be drafty.

And, I never realised when I was a cigarette smoker, how much people hate you. If I am anything to go by, people hate cigarette smokers a lot. (That’s a funny statement—I’m not sure it’s possible to hate something a little …)

Friday, August 01, 2008

Celeriac is stalking me

Went to another restaurant last night with some friends. It wasn't as posh as the place I went to the night before, and the servings were full size. It was of an entirely different type of restaurant, too--this one was Turkish. However, I spied on the menu, celeriac. To my knowledge, this shit didn't even exist last week. Someone just dug it up and threw it on a plate. I don't know why they bothered--it tastes like dirt.

My mission for today is to avoid celeriac. Funnily enough, after reading the Wikipedia article, I could really go a Bloody Mary right now.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Too classy to eat

Went to a flash restaurant last night. Uber flash. 600-dollar Versace plates, the wine list went well into the 1000s of dollars—as a result I had a beer. Initially, we thought that wine by the glass was quite reasonable, then we realised that what we were looking at was not a price but a page number. We said, no don't worry about entrees, just bring us the mains. They felt sorry for us and brought us some bread (which was fantastic).

Then the beef arrived.

Little medallions of tender goodness—the key word being 'little'. They floated lonely in a sea of white, with only (and I'm not making this up) a lone potato island (which was a slice of potato, not a whole one), two green beans, one bonsai carrot and one vegetable that I believe was called 'celeriac' to balance it aesthetically on its porcelain canvas. The whole thing was ‘drizzled in jus’, which I think makes the chef seem quite lazy—couldn’t he make the effort to try a little harder than ‘drizzle’?

Luckily, I’d filled up on several pints of Stella before.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The daily struggle

It's so cold today, my eyeballs have frozen in their sockets and I have to turn my head to track the cursor across the screen. The sun rose at about 6:30, thought 'fuck it, I can't be bothered providing warmth today' and went back to bed. Half an hour later my alarm poked me in the ear and said, 'get up, it's tomorrow'. I opened my eyes--when they instantly froze--and lurched out of bed. Due to my poorly functioning frozen eyes, I completely missed the saber tooth snow kangaroo that was in the kitchen, and ended up walking straight into it. We battled to the death--well one of us did anyway--and I walked into the bathroom and chipped the ice away from the taps. I was assisted in this by my body's spasmodic shaking--my frozen fingers provided a firm grip on the chisel.

The shower was scalding hot, burning my head, but by the time it reached my feet it had frozen into little blades of ice, which buried themselves in my feet; my feet resembled little blue ice porcupines. I called the left one 'spiky'. I'm still thinking of a name for the right.

With this on my mind, I got dressed in the blink of an eye. Unfortunately, because my eyes were frozen, this took quite some time.

And then I wrote this post.

You see, this is just an example of my daily struggle to get ready for work. Shit like this happens all the time. Sometimes the saber tooth snow kangaroo wins and I can't make it to the computer until I have been resurrected.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Attention muppets

Oi, all you motherfuckers out there, I have a community service announcement!

What I'm about to say will be hard for many of you to fathom; however, I assure you, it's all backed up by years of research.

  1. Wait for people to exit a lift before you start to walk in. Why is this so fucking difficult? How can you be surprised when the door opens and you walk straight into someone? Has this not happened before? Even fucking goldfish can remember this.
  2. Don't walk backwards in crowded places. Fuck! Turn around before starting to move away from the counter with your hot coffee.
  3. When walking down the street, walk in a straight fucking line. Don't fucking meander all over the place. Turn your head before suddenly darting (or even darting in a fashion that is not so sudden) right and stopping in front of the mobile phone shop. This is particularly relevant if you are carrying an umbrella.
  4. Come to the realisation that pressing the button at the pedestrian crossing is going to make fuck all difference to the time it takes the lights to change. Hitting it multiple times will not make it change faster. Also consider the possibility that one of the fifty people already standing there has hit the button before you. Wanker.
  5. And to the grotty little cunt on the bus with the long fingernail picking shit out of his ear and flicking it at his girlfriend--don't. The person sitting behind you might snap.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Bus etiquette

I catch the bus to work because I work in a big, shiny building in the city. Driving would take longer and parking would cost $25 bucks a day. I’ve never been a big fan of busses—overseas, I’d always catch taxis—but I’m learning to deal with it. There are some things about busses, however, that make me grind my teeth.

People, generally.

Particularly those motherfuckers that sit in the aisle seat so as to dissuade anyone from sitting next to them. Some of them even put their bags on the seat. Well, fuck you arseholes. Every other seat is taken, some little old lady is trying to keep her feet among the masses (which in this case are not yet teeming), but your bag needs a seat all to itself.

Sorry, did I accidentally elbow you in the head as I walked past? That wouldn’t have happened if you were sitting next to the window. You selfish prick!

How dare you have a different point of view!

Look at the good Christian girls come to Satan's rescue!