Irreverent rants, hungover musings, too much salt...

Thursday, July 21, 2005

What not to cook &trade : Dogshit Nachos

Summer time in Korea and it's as hot as that hot roller in the fucking photocopier that always snags the paper, then burns you when you try and remove it, making you jump backwards and hit your head on the bookshelf as you tear out half the paper, causing you to request the photocopier to 'just fucking work, you fucking piece of shit,' just as one of the students' mothers walks into the office.

Warm indeed, and what better summer food than Nachos Korean style--well not exactly Korean style--this is the version they feed to vegan TV evangelists in hell, while simultaneously applying kimchi enemas. Nonetheless, while this is named 'Dogshit Nachos',for personal reasons I am off the dogshit, and will be using a dogshit substitute, if you will, and no, it's not tofu.


Grab all that shit and chop it up--excepting the corn chips. It is probably best to remove any layers of onion that are starting to liquefy, at this stage. Take a tiny bite of one of the chillies and expectorate violently into the sink as you reef on the cold water and thrust your mouth under it. Remembering an inflight magazine's advice on a Thai Air flight, to hold vinegar in your mouth to relieve chili related trauma--gargle vinegar, before coming to the realisation that it doesn't fucking work. Why have I been passing this information on for all these years?

Fryin onions and chilies

Fry up the onion and two violently hot chillies with some pepper and a wee bit of stock.

Kimchi and spring onion

Chop up some kimchi and spring onion if you had forgotten to do that earlier, then chuck the kimchi in to join the fun in the fry pan.


Push some of the detritus cluttering your table onto the floor, to make way for the plate you just washed up for the occasion. Arrange chips on said plate like so.

Chips kimchi onion

By now, shit should be starting to burn in the fry pan--don't burn it too much, just a little. Take it out and spread it evenly-ish over the chips. Sprinkle chopped spring onion over this layer.


This next step is tricky.

Take a can of dogshit substitute (tuna) and after draining off the oil and removing any bits of dolphin that catch your eye, spread that shit all over the nachos. Take leave of your brain, and forgetting how much chilli you have already added, dice one more, scoop it up with your fingers, and sprinkle it on top.

Now would be a good time to rub your eye.

As your eye begins to inflame, dance around the kitchen like an idiot, contemplate dowsing your eye with vinegar before attaining a moment of chilli-induced clarity--I can see through time! Vinegar in the eye is a very bad idea.

Deftly, as sparks start to grow at the edge of your vision, throw yourself at the sink, instantly attaining a perfect score on the yet-to-grow-popular game of 'Get the handle of a soup ladle up your nose' as you plunge your head among the dirty dishes, and run cold water into your eye for five minutes.


After you have sufficiently recovered, spread as much cheese as you care for over the top.


Bake that motherfucker in a toaster oven, or, if you are posh, a real oven. Find something to prevent your hands from burning as you take it out.


Cast your eyes over your creation in all its glory. That really does look like dogshit now doesn't it? I suggest watching a cheesy horror movie to distract you while you consume this, and sup upon a chilled glass of orange juice to help numb the fire on your lips.

If it's bothering you, imagine how the dog felt.