Santa won’t be dressed in red this year
So take all those that you hold dear
And keep them close, keep them near
‘Cause Santa’s turned it up a notch, I fear.
Santa’s got the shits with all mankind
Shooting each other all the fuckin’ time
So if you’ve done bad shit, you’re gonna find
This Christmas you’re gonna pay for your crime.
He spent his year in
Mastering the arts of Ninjitsu
He’s got a black belt that wouldn’t fit you
Don’t fuck with Santa or he’ll fuckin’ hit you.
Santa’s back and he’s dressed in black
With throwing knives and ninja stars in his sack
He’s pissed off and he’s gonna crack
He’s gonna give you what you lack
You’d better not shout, you’d better not rat
On Santa or he’ll garrotte your cat
You’d better not point or say he’s fat
Santa will fuck you up and that is that.
Santa wants beer and cookies, not fuckin' milk
And it better be heavy, not mid-strength pilk
And Santa doesn’t like a prying eye
So stay in bed or you’ll fuckin’ die!
So this Christmas try not to be a prick
And hoard your presents like a selfish dick
Help the needy, help the sick
Santa tried the carrot, now here’s the stick.
If you’re an asshole, Santa will beat you down
If you’re a bigot, he’ll go to town
He’ll fuck you up without a frown
He’ll put you in a hospital gown.
I tell you this not to fear or thrill you
So listen hard, while you still do
Have legs to carry you and hope to cling to
If you’ve been bad this year, Santa’s going to fuckin’ kill you!