Put the disc to death

Many moons ago, a Chinese friend was giving myself and a friend a lift to a party in his Honda Prelude. It had a 'fully sick' sound system, and my Chinese friend--inevitably--had shocking taste in music. We were just heading down the road and had stopped at the lights outside our local pub while Andy fiddled with his CD player. He found the track he was after and cranked it up. It's raining men started belting out.

'Andy!' I screamed at him over the deafening bass. 'Turn this shit off! Change tracks--for God's sake, do something!'

'What?' he asked and turned the music down two decibels. Now it was only at 128dB.

People I knew were starting to look out the windows of the bar. I slunk down in my seat.

'Andy, dude--change tracks!' said Jim from the front.

'Andy, are you listening to the fucking lyrics?' I said.

He sat there for a minute, then a look of comprehension washed across his face like the shadow of a cloud rushing over a mountain.

'Oh, shit. Shit, man! Shit!'

The lights changed and he peeled off--in front of a car he should have given way to--the music came to an abrupt halt and the CD went flying out the window, glinting rainbows in the sun before it bounced once, twice, then mercifully a benevolent semi-trailer ground it into tiny bits of plastic gayness.

Blast from the past 4#

I just finished recording the greatest song in the history of time, but I can't log in to Soundclick for some reason, and hence can't supply you with a link...

Anyway...Here is a little musing from deepest, darkest China.


Crap

Date :
Thu, 01 Nov 2001 22:49:02 +1100

Here's a handy hint, it just came to me the other day while I was eating lunch.

Just say for some reason you want to exude an air of contemplation, to let others know that you are a very intelligent person, and give the impression that you are pondering the meaning of existence at this very moment ...

Eat fish. Preferably a Chinese river fish, such as carp, with lots of bones. The facial expressions you pull while attempting to locate a small fish bone with your tongue, all the time keeping your fingers out of your mouth, is sure to do the trick. Your eyes roll back in your head as they glaze over; you stare into the distance and try and envisage the inside of your mouth as you probe and search for that fucking fish bone that you know is still there--despite the fact that you can't find it. This does bare some relevance to the meaning of life, as your life hangs in the balance right now. If you swallow that fish bone and it lodges in your throat you could die; I once heard a story about a woman who swallowed a fish bone that got stuck in her throat and over a period of months caused a tumor, which resulted in her eventual death by asphyxiation ...

Meanwhile, while you scour the mashed fish in your mouth for signs of solid matter and think of that poor lady who died, people around you are starting to take notice. Wondering what it is that is on your mind, they speculate amongst themselves. 'Is he a physicist, working on the intricacies of some new theorem that will change the course of history and the world as we know it? Maybe he is an author, developing a plot that will leave the bard for dead? What if he is one of the select few that really control the world, and is currently thinking of a means to appease the alien invaders from the planet Thorax?

And all the time all you really want to do is spit out the pulp of fish in your mouth that tastes like shit-flavoured mud.

I think it is no accident that by rearranging the letters in the word 'carp', you can spell 'crap'.