Irreverent rants, hungover musings, too much salt...

Monday, December 18, 2006

Santa won’t be dressed in red this year

Santa won’t be dressed in red this year
So take all those that you hold dear
And keep them close, keep them near
‘Cause Santa’s turned it up a notch, I fear.

Santa’s got the shits with all mankind
Shooting each other all the fuckin’ time
So if you’ve done bad shit, you’re gonna find
This Christmas you’re gonna pay for your crime.

He spent his year in Japan, in situ
Mastering the arts of Ninjitsu
He’s got a black belt that wouldn’t fit you
Don’t fuck with Santa or he’ll fuckin’ hit you.

Santa’s back and he’s dressed in black
With throwing knives and ninja stars in his sack
He’s pissed off and he’s gonna crack
He’s gonna give you what you lack

You’d better not shout, you’d better not rat
On Santa or he’ll garrotte your cat
You’d better not point or say he’s fat
Santa will fuck you up and that is that.

Santa wants beer and cookies, not fuckin' milk
And it better be heavy, not mid-strength pilk
And Santa doesn’t like a prying eye
So stay in bed or you’ll fuckin’ die!

So this Christmas try not to be a prick
And hoard your presents like a selfish dick
Help the needy, help the sick
Santa tried the carrot, now here’s the stick.

If you’re an asshole, Santa will beat you down
If you’re a bigot, he’ll go to town
He’ll fuck you up without a frown
He’ll put you in a hospital gown.

I tell you this not to fear or thrill you
So listen hard, while you still do
Have legs to carry you and hope to cling to
If you’ve been bad this year, Santa’s going to fuckin’ kill you!

Thursday, November 16, 2006


It’s 8:00 in the morning and the wind is whistling past my apartment with an Antarctic fury. It’s cold, but it makes you feel alive.

There’s a smell in the air--a smell of ice and gum trees--the smell of bright light and blue sky stretching up into infinity; the smell of the noise a cat makes when it hunts.

Makes you feel alive.

Or maybe I’m just cold: Picture this: Mawson and his fellow explorers huddled in a tent while the wind howls outside, piling up snowdrifts as high as the walls. They’ve just eaten their last husky; Mawson turns to his hypothermic friend and says through cracked blue lips from behind an ice-encrusted beard:

Fuck yeah! Makes you feel alive!

Monday, October 09, 2006

Thursday, October 05, 2006

The surly bird gets the worm

Surly Bird 1 small

Image stolen without permission from Canadian Mark.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Declaration of war against the Word paper clip

If that bloody paper clip muppet thing in Word pops up one more time, I’m gonna fucking have ‘im!

Hovering over your work like an obsequious waiter hungry for a tip.

I warn you paper clip boy: what comes next won’t be pleasant!

I’m going to chuck you in a pit of molten metal. If it fucks up a terminator, imagine what it will do to you.

I’m going to straighten you out and use you to scrape dogshit from the sole of my shoe.

I’m going to beat you flat with a hammer and use you as a Christmas decoration.

I’m going to bend you into a fishhook and drag you behind a boat on a cold winter’s day.

I’m going to use you as a staple to hold together someone’s bowel after an operation.

I’m going to insert you into a punk’s tongue and watch him lick batteries.

I’m going to affix you to the chain of a urinal.

I’m going to pay people to piss on you 24 hours a day until you rust away.

I’m going to melt you down and use you as a filling in the mouth of someone suffering from terminal halitosis.

I’m going to tie you to a bit of string and drag you behind my car as a means of discharging static electricity.

I’m going to use you as a pin to affix a rare South American butterfly to a board.

I’m going to have customs find the butterfly and order its immediate immolation.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


Disturbing developments have come to our attention here at What not to do in Australia. After much research, and analysis of results, a conclusion has been reached.

Owning an iPod can cause you to turn into a wanker.

Yes, it’s true--by owning an iPod you risk becoming a severe wanker. It is entirely possible that you are already a wanker. A chance also exists that you were a wanker before you bought the iPod.

Before you ambush me with a barrage of one, or even two emails, denying your culpability, let me present the undeniable, unalterable, and unpalatable proofs for my assertion.

First let’s consider the ‘pros’ of the iPod:

  • It looks cool and is instantly recognisable.
  • You can dock it in your BMW.
  • Bono has one.

Now let’s consider the cons:

  • It’s overpriced.
  • Lacks many features of it’s competitors, such as in built voice recording and direct from source MP3 encoding, digital line in, ability to support certain file types, battery life, etc…
  • Shuffle player doesn’t even have a fucking screen.
  • You have to fuck around with iTunes software to load tracks, rather than have it show up as an external drive, and drag and drop.
  • You can’t upload from your player.
  • Bono has one.

Looks pretty simple when you put it like that, doesn’t it? So why would you buy one? What’s that up the back? It looks cool? Well… It looks white anyway. White being a completely impractical colour for something that has to exist within the modern world. Just say, you are in a situation when you need to hide your iPod in your ‘prisoners purse’? I tell you it won’t stay white for long.

I consulted a graphic designer friend of mine on the matter. He owns an iPod, an iBook, one of those Razor phones and a bunch of other trendy shit, and to paraphrase him, he said: ‘Graphic designers like shit that looks cool.’

Buying something because it looks cool? Is this not the province of morons like Paris Hilton? Did you buy the player because you want to listen to high fidelity music, or because you want Jenny at the Gym to see a white rectangle strapped to your arm. If the answer is gym related, I’m afraid you are a wanker.

And what’s this with wearing them in public view? When you see someone with a mobile phone clipped to their belt rather than in a pocket out of sight, what do you think?


Exactly. The same principle applies to MP3 players, or any electronic device worn as clothing. The marketing people are trying to trick you. It is not ok to walk around like a Borg motherfucker, with an iPod on a belt clip, arm band, neck lanyard, or hanging from a pierced nipple. You look like a Fuckwit.

That’s with a capital F.

What you are saying to the world is: ‘I am a dickhead. I care more about what strangers think of me, and my financial position in life, than a myriad of more important issues. I am vain, and masturbate a lot. I am a wanker in every sense of the word, and probably listen to Bros.’

Is that what you want the world to think?

Is it?

What is even funnier is that these people are trying to express their individuality. Even Apple’s slogan is ‘Think different’.

Think Different? Buy the same thing every other westerner on the planet is buying? Pay more for less? Man, that’s fucked up wacky different. And isn’t ‘different’ just a euphemism for retarded?

Or do they mean ‘different’ in the sense that they were the first to come up with the hard drive based mp3 player? Well they weren’t. Creative, had hard disk players years before Apple.

The culture of the iPod, is polluting the great sandy white beach of the Internet as well. Bloggers the world over, mistakenly seem to think that someone gives a shit about ‘what’s on the iPod?’ They make lists, of random tracks that appear on their players and publish them on their blogs.

What the fuck?

Who gives a flying fuck? The time you spent typing out the lyrics to ‘Girls just want to have fun’ could have been put to much better use watching porn, or plotting to kill Bono or something.

So looking over this expose, have you come to the conclusion that you are an ‘iWanker’? What can you do to avoid looking like a tosser of monstrous magnitude? Here a few simple steps:

  • Buy something else; but if you can’t:
  • Keep it in your fucking pocket, Macguyver. (See paragraph relating to fuckwits and looking like one…)
  • Buy some decent quality headphones that are not white.
  • Start referring to it as an MP3 player.
  • Download some firmware to make the fucking thing work properly.
  • Never, I repeat, NEVER, offer information on your listening habits to someone who didn’t ask.
  • Keep the iPod acronym running on a constant loop in you head.

I. Prefer. Other. Devices.


Bush's plane mistakenly shot down by Jesus over Olympic opening ceremony - Microsoft blamed.

Sorry, just Google baiting.