Irreverent rants, hungover musings, too much salt...

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Declaration of war against the Word paper clip

If that bloody paper clip muppet thing in Word pops up one more time, I’m gonna fucking have ‘im!

Hovering over your work like an obsequious waiter hungry for a tip.

I warn you paper clip boy: what comes next won’t be pleasant!

I’m going to chuck you in a pit of molten metal. If it fucks up a terminator, imagine what it will do to you.

I’m going to straighten you out and use you to scrape dogshit from the sole of my shoe.

I’m going to beat you flat with a hammer and use you as a Christmas decoration.

I’m going to bend you into a fishhook and drag you behind a boat on a cold winter’s day.

I’m going to use you as a staple to hold together someone’s bowel after an operation.

I’m going to insert you into a punk’s tongue and watch him lick batteries.

I’m going to affix you to the chain of a urinal.

I’m going to pay people to piss on you 24 hours a day until you rust away.

I’m going to melt you down and use you as a filling in the mouth of someone suffering from terminal halitosis.

I’m going to tie you to a bit of string and drag you behind my car as a means of discharging static electricity.

I’m going to use you as a pin to affix a rare South American butterfly to a board.

I’m going to have customs find the butterfly and order its immediate immolation.