Irreverent rants, hungover musings, too much salt...

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


Disturbing developments have come to our attention here at What not to do in Australia. After much research, and analysis of results, a conclusion has been reached.

Owning an iPod can cause you to turn into a wanker.

Yes, it’s true--by owning an iPod you risk becoming a severe wanker. It is entirely possible that you are already a wanker. A chance also exists that you were a wanker before you bought the iPod.

Before you ambush me with a barrage of one, or even two emails, denying your culpability, let me present the undeniable, unalterable, and unpalatable proofs for my assertion.

First let’s consider the ‘pros’ of the iPod:

  • It looks cool and is instantly recognisable.
  • You can dock it in your BMW.
  • Bono has one.

Now let’s consider the cons:

  • It’s overpriced.
  • Lacks many features of it’s competitors, such as in built voice recording and direct from source MP3 encoding, digital line in, ability to support certain file types, battery life, etc…
  • Shuffle player doesn’t even have a fucking screen.
  • You have to fuck around with iTunes software to load tracks, rather than have it show up as an external drive, and drag and drop.
  • You can’t upload from your player.
  • Bono has one.

Looks pretty simple when you put it like that, doesn’t it? So why would you buy one? What’s that up the back? It looks cool? Well… It looks white anyway. White being a completely impractical colour for something that has to exist within the modern world. Just say, you are in a situation when you need to hide your iPod in your ‘prisoners purse’? I tell you it won’t stay white for long.

I consulted a graphic designer friend of mine on the matter. He owns an iPod, an iBook, one of those Razor phones and a bunch of other trendy shit, and to paraphrase him, he said: ‘Graphic designers like shit that looks cool.’

Buying something because it looks cool? Is this not the province of morons like Paris Hilton? Did you buy the player because you want to listen to high fidelity music, or because you want Jenny at the Gym to see a white rectangle strapped to your arm. If the answer is gym related, I’m afraid you are a wanker.

And what’s this with wearing them in public view? When you see someone with a mobile phone clipped to their belt rather than in a pocket out of sight, what do you think?


Exactly. The same principle applies to MP3 players, or any electronic device worn as clothing. The marketing people are trying to trick you. It is not ok to walk around like a Borg motherfucker, with an iPod on a belt clip, arm band, neck lanyard, or hanging from a pierced nipple. You look like a Fuckwit.

That’s with a capital F.

What you are saying to the world is: ‘I am a dickhead. I care more about what strangers think of me, and my financial position in life, than a myriad of more important issues. I am vain, and masturbate a lot. I am a wanker in every sense of the word, and probably listen to Bros.’

Is that what you want the world to think?

Is it?

What is even funnier is that these people are trying to express their individuality. Even Apple’s slogan is ‘Think different’.

Think Different? Buy the same thing every other westerner on the planet is buying? Pay more for less? Man, that’s fucked up wacky different. And isn’t ‘different’ just a euphemism for retarded?

Or do they mean ‘different’ in the sense that they were the first to come up with the hard drive based mp3 player? Well they weren’t. Creative, had hard disk players years before Apple.

The culture of the iPod, is polluting the great sandy white beach of the Internet as well. Bloggers the world over, mistakenly seem to think that someone gives a shit about ‘what’s on the iPod?’ They make lists, of random tracks that appear on their players and publish them on their blogs.

What the fuck?

Who gives a flying fuck? The time you spent typing out the lyrics to ‘Girls just want to have fun’ could have been put to much better use watching porn, or plotting to kill Bono or something.

So looking over this expose, have you come to the conclusion that you are an ‘iWanker’? What can you do to avoid looking like a tosser of monstrous magnitude? Here a few simple steps:

  • Buy something else; but if you can’t:
  • Keep it in your fucking pocket, Macguyver. (See paragraph relating to fuckwits and looking like one…)
  • Buy some decent quality headphones that are not white.
  • Start referring to it as an MP3 player.
  • Download some firmware to make the fucking thing work properly.
  • Never, I repeat, NEVER, offer information on your listening habits to someone who didn’t ask.
  • Keep the iPod acronym running on a constant loop in you head.

I. Prefer. Other. Devices.